i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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