Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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