She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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