i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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