You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
