we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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