Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
