An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
