dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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