Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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