She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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