heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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