i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
