You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
