I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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