he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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