I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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