allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Im part way to drunk.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
