I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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