Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
