Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat