My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
