NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
