Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
