shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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