Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
