I am puke
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
