I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
