Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
