You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
