bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
