tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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