I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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