I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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