I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
