You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
