How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
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all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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