saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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