Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize