My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dick very happy bro
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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