I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
