Got a toothbrush?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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