Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
