I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
