So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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