i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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