Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
