Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
