apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
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Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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