No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
