The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
this is an emotional support booty call
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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