Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
