sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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