I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
