when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
