i may or may not be watching the land before time
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
